Kick the Ball, Fatty!

A survey of parents and children
Has shown that when youngsters play sport
More than half have been victim to bullying.
What a groundbreaking social report.

Imagine it hadn’t been sanctioned
And this travesty went on unknown
We’d still think that kits were ‘forgotten’
Or that bruised kids were accident prone.

But maybe instead of a survey
They could have helped to stop the fighting
Instead of trying to show what everyone knows
By putting the problem in writing.

April Introduction (and other words that end in -tion)

A record warm March was a great introduction
For the UK who jumped on a hopeful presumption
That summer would come without interruption
But snowfall has shattered this eager assumption.

Worldwide, drivers saw sat-navs malfunction
Caused by an unknown software disruption
Leaving road users without an instruction
As to where they should turn when they get to each junction.

In Edinburgh Zoo they have held an induction
Hoping their pandas will start reproduction
But the problem is in their genetic construction
They’ve only got 2 days when everything functions.

Meanwhile, Greece has been victim of further dysfunction
As Mount Etna discharged a volcanic eruption
At the same time two Greeks have been charged with corruption
When their antique statue was confirmed reproduction.

Cut, Colour and Cancer

Hairdressers should be trained to spot cancer
Is the latest from experts in health.
They can look for signs while they’re cutting
And check skin that we can’t see ourselves.

By detecting melanomas early
There’s a much greater rate of prevention
But would it do more harm than good
Although made with the best of intentions? 

Every freckle and mole from the neck up
Would become the source of a scare
And if they’re scouring your scalp for symptoms
How much effort’s going in to your hair?

Would stylists want the responsibility
Of making judgements without all the facts?
For a poor haircut you might be forgiven
But misdiagnose them and they won’t come back.

Y-fronts, Y not?

Men in Scotland prefer to wear Y-fronts a new survey has revealed. It has also shown Londoners to opt for trunks while men from the Midlands purchase the most thongs. Ooh err!

Now we can put this statistical information to good use and... and... and? Well, maybe it doesn't have a good use but we can at least make fun of the Midlands. 

The Only Way Is Essex... or Perthshire, or Wales

To mark the Diamond Jubilee
Three towns have all been made cities
Twenty five towns entered in
But only three were picked to win.

St Asaph, sat in Northern Wales
Hitched their claim to God’s coat tails
And with the Cathedral as their basis
Lo and behold, they won the status.

Chelmsford, Essex’s new found city
Maybe just won out of pity
And to settle football fights in pubs
As to why their team’s called City Club.
 
Lastly, Perth was given back
A title that they’d always had
Until Scotland reorganised the nation
And stripped it of its appellation.

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google. Children would rather get information from Google than their parents or teacher a new survey has revealed. Veterans of the Birds and the Bees welcome the news.

Europension

 

As Britain and Russia both enter grandparents into the Eurovision Song Contest past winners lend a helping hand with lyric writing.

Gina G – Just a Little Bit

Ooh aah…think I broke my hip
Ooh aah… when I fell on the floor
Ooh aah… just a little slip
Won’t be walking anymore

ABBA - Waterloo

Need the loo – Bladder was weak and I had to go,
Need the loo – Worried my legs were moving too slow.
Need the loo – I was just desperate to get to you,
Need the loo – now it’s too late and I’ve followed through.

Lulu – Boom bang-a-bang

My heart goes
boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
Loud in my ear
Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
-STROKE-

Fishing for Trouble?

Salmon are known for swimming upstream
And fighting against the tide.
Our Scottish Salmond is just the same
But he’s taking the country along on his ride.

He’s desperate for Scotland to go it alone
And sever our ties with Westminster,
But, amid all the hurry, there’s a serious worry
We’d end up England’s woebegone spinster.

Unionists say we’d be fish out of water
As we now get more cash than we give.
But, separatists believe that the oil in our seas
Would provide us all money to live.

If we truly divorced from the union
I imagine the case would be fraught
Over nukes in the Clyde and who should preside
Over oil and which country gets what.

Not all Salmon make the arduous journey
And the vote will tell who’s going where.
We could swim to the top and splash out with a pop
Or end up in the teeth of a bear.

The Week in Pictures

 UK’s growth stripped by Brazilians … who become the world's sixth biggest economy.

Jubilees are Forever

Prime ministers aren’t forever,
It doesn’t take too much to sack them,
Only for the party not to back them.
They may resign in the night,
I’ve a fear that they might, desert me.
But monarchs are forever,
This year’s her diamond celebration.
As the master of games
She’ll lead a fleet down the Thames,
And cross the UK.

It’s not from love
That I’m making a big fuss,
They’ve gave a bank holiday to us
And I’m happy to doff
To get a day off, from working.

Monarchs are forever,
She’s outlasted Churchill and Blair
For sixty years she’s hung in there.
MPs are mere subjects who
Are not worth going to, the polls for.

I don’t need Cameron,
And what good will Clegg do me?
Lizzy never lies to me,
When the Tories are gone
She’ll last on.