The Parent Song

I don’t have time to pack their lunch
But why do schools let children munch
On bags of chips covered in salt?
Blame the school teacher, it’s not my fault.

I can’t stop the choices my child makes
It’s up to them if they want cakes.
We’re a fast food culture is what they learn.
Blame the government, it’s not my concern.

I buy them it to keep them quiet
But burgers aren’t part of a healthy diet.
They just want it because it’s on TV.
Blame the broadcaster, but don’t blame me.

I support the move for them to halt
Adverts for food high in fat and salt
And show them only after nine.
To coincide with kids’ bedtime.

With that in place I have no doubt
My children will cut all junk out
So long as I can get over the stumbling block
Of getting them to sleep before nine o’clock.

Y-fronts, Y not?

Men in Scotland prefer to wear Y-fronts a new survey has revealed. It has also shown Londoners to opt for trunks while men from the Midlands purchase the most thongs. Ooh err!

Now we can put this statistical information to good use and... and... and? Well, maybe it doesn't have a good use but we can at least make fun of the Midlands. 

Bird Watchers Go Potty Over New Attraction

There is a fair isle called Handa
Where bird watchers go to stand-a
A rise in those goin’
Means they need a new throne
At a cost of 50 grand-a. 

At such an exorbitant price
I imagine the loo to be nice.
But there’s no running water,
So what is the bowl for?
Would a hole in the ground not suffice?

It has to withstand blasts of wind,
The kind from outside and within
Though the answer’s not cheap
It must be built deep
Or the structure would soon topple in.

But with everyone’s eyes looking up
Can’t they just get behind a tree stump?
And go in the grass
With a leaf for their ass
And save us the cost of a dump?

Fishing for Trouble?

Salmon are known for swimming upstream
And fighting against the tide.
Our Scottish Salmond is just the same
But he’s taking the country along on his ride.

He’s desperate for Scotland to go it alone
And sever our ties with Westminster,
But, amid all the hurry, there’s a serious worry
We’d end up England’s woebegone spinster.

Unionists say we’d be fish out of water
As we now get more cash than we give.
But, separatists believe that the oil in our seas
Would provide us all money to live.

If we truly divorced from the union
I imagine the case would be fraught
Over nukes in the Clyde and who should preside
Over oil and which country gets what.

Not all Salmon make the arduous journey
And the vote will tell who’s going where.
We could swim to the top and splash out with a pop
Or end up in the teeth of a bear.

Edinburgh Zoo acquires cash cow. Or should that be panda?

Long ago in evolution,
The panda chose a strange solution;
To only eat shoots of bamboo
And relocate to where it grew.

So after 5 years’ negotiation
It seemed to most a great occasion
When China made a gift of two
And sent them off to Edinburgh Zoo.

They came by plane to bond our nations,
To aid research and education,
To help the panda’s conservation,
But, what about the rich donations?

From visitors who flocked to view
The half a million revenue
We pay each year to keep the bears.
A princely sum for just a pair.

Any hints of a commercial deal
Lie buried under public zeal,
And motives not quite black and white
Are wrapped up in the fiscal plight

Of the zoo which felt reduced exposure,
Which closed the exotic bird enclosure,
And started charging guests a fee
For a parking space that once was free.

So now the park has got a lift
From China’s diplomatic gift
And think of the financial boost
Having bear cubs might induce.

Yet it might prove a risk to count
Bamboo shoots before they sprout.
Not only difficult to feed,
Notoriously hard to breed,
And it only took a month until
The furry pair had fallen ill
With colic as the diagnosis,
But homesickness a clear prognosis.

Now they're both back on display
After all, who else would earn their pay?















Pandas fight for the window seat on flight to Edinburgh