Kick the Ball, Fatty!

A survey of parents and children
Has shown that when youngsters play sport
More than half have been victim to bullying.
What a groundbreaking social report.

Imagine it hadn’t been sanctioned
And this travesty went on unknown
We’d still think that kits were ‘forgotten’
Or that bruised kids were accident prone.

But maybe instead of a survey
They could have helped to stop the fighting
Instead of trying to show what everyone knows
By putting the problem in writing.

Fast Food Makes You Faster. No?

UK doctors warn that Olympic sponsorship by fast food companies sends the wrong message as two Olympic 2024 hopefuls challenge anyone to finish a Big Mac faster.

Britain's Got Competition

An announcement made by I.T.V
That the time slot’s changed for B.G.T
So as many people get to see
The show in its entirety.

But critics might just disagree
And cite the clash with B.B.C
Whose show The Voice claimed victory
In the ratings war with channel three.

The two shows overlapped weekly
And The Voice won out consistently
So the change appears deliberately
To avoid the loss to tax TV.

Simon Cowell had this to say:

The Face that Launched a Thousand Bricks

A new face for history's ill fated beauties; Juliet, Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and, now, Samantha Brick.

Auf Weidersehen Pet

A lost cat is reunited with its owner in Germany after being found 15 years later. The average life expectancy of a cat is 15 years. A miracle or just a new cat?

April Introduction (and other words that end in -tion)

A record warm March was a great introduction
For the UK who jumped on a hopeful presumption
That summer would come without interruption
But snowfall has shattered this eager assumption.

Worldwide, drivers saw sat-navs malfunction
Caused by an unknown software disruption
Leaving road users without an instruction
As to where they should turn when they get to each junction.

In Edinburgh Zoo they have held an induction
Hoping their pandas will start reproduction
But the problem is in their genetic construction
They’ve only got 2 days when everything functions.

Meanwhile, Greece has been victim of further dysfunction
As Mount Etna discharged a volcanic eruption
At the same time two Greeks have been charged with corruption
When their antique statue was confirmed reproduction.

The Week in Pictures

Anti-smoking charity criticises Welsh councils for not having a smoking ban in playgrounds.

EasyCon

Easyjet are to trial allocated seating for a nominal fee:

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
If you want front row, then we’ll have it so
But there's a supplement to pay.
Come on fly with me, we'll float down in the blue.

Fly with me, let’s zip down to the shore
And if the plane’s to crash, you’ll be glad you asked
For a seat by the exit door
Come on fly with me, you’ll be glad that you paid more.

And once you get seated where there’s leg room to spare
We’ll compare, how others fare
Those who don’t pay mightn’t be next each other or near
You might even fear, a gang will appear because we’re seated together

Travel-wise it’s such a sad, sad day.
Just say the words, extra cost incurred, and they’re laughing all the way
It’s not a ploy to make an extra buck they say
Come on and fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away

Roman Horde Found in Bath

Archaeologists working on a site in Bath have stumbled across 30, 000 Roman coins believed to be the 5th largest hoard ever found. Discovered 150 metres away from the historic Roman Baths, experts can only assume that the money is from coin operated lockers.

A Cure For Baldness? Don't make us laugh.

Scientists have discovered a protein which triggers hair loss which they hope will be key in finding ways to treat baldness. Phil and Grant remain sceptical.

Cut, Colour and Cancer

Hairdressers should be trained to spot cancer
Is the latest from experts in health.
They can look for signs while they’re cutting
And check skin that we can’t see ourselves.

By detecting melanomas early
There’s a much greater rate of prevention
But would it do more harm than good
Although made with the best of intentions? 

Every freckle and mole from the neck up
Would become the source of a scare
And if they’re scouring your scalp for symptoms
How much effort’s going in to your hair?

Would stylists want the responsibility
Of making judgements without all the facts?
For a poor haircut you might be forgiven
But misdiagnose them and they won’t come back.

Is it Time to Make Toy Story 4?

Disney says it expects to lose $200 million dollars as it's latest film, John Carter, bombs at the box office. No, wonder; it didn't have any songs. Just saying.

The Parent Song

I don’t have time to pack their lunch
But why do schools let children munch
On bags of chips covered in salt?
Blame the school teacher, it’s not my fault.

I can’t stop the choices my child makes
It’s up to them if they want cakes.
We’re a fast food culture is what they learn.
Blame the government, it’s not my concern.

I buy them it to keep them quiet
But burgers aren’t part of a healthy diet.
They just want it because it’s on TV.
Blame the broadcaster, but don’t blame me.

I support the move for them to halt
Adverts for food high in fat and salt
And show them only after nine.
To coincide with kids’ bedtime.

With that in place I have no doubt
My children will cut all junk out
So long as I can get over the stumbling block
Of getting them to sleep before nine o’clock.

Ocean's 14

George Clooney may have to get the old gang back together after being arrested during a protest outside Sudan's embassy in Washington DC. The actor, who was trying to raise awareness over Sudan's huminatarian crisis has since been released. Or did he escape?

Y-fronts, Y not?

Men in Scotland prefer to wear Y-fronts a new survey has revealed. It has also shown Londoners to opt for trunks while men from the Midlands purchase the most thongs. Ooh err!

Now we can put this statistical information to good use and... and... and? Well, maybe it doesn't have a good use but we can at least make fun of the Midlands. 

The Only Way Is Essex... or Perthshire, or Wales

To mark the Diamond Jubilee
Three towns have all been made cities
Twenty five towns entered in
But only three were picked to win.

St Asaph, sat in Northern Wales
Hitched their claim to God’s coat tails
And with the Cathedral as their basis
Lo and behold, they won the status.

Chelmsford, Essex’s new found city
Maybe just won out of pity
And to settle football fights in pubs
As to why their team’s called City Club.
 
Lastly, Perth was given back
A title that they’d always had
Until Scotland reorganised the nation
And stripped it of its appellation.

Old MacDonald out of a Job?

Old MacDonald had a farm,
Ee I ee I oh.
But then we found red meat caused harm,
O m g oh no.

And on that farm were cows and pigs
That now we know have cancer links
And a higher degree
Of heart disease.

Old MacDonald asked them why,
Ee I ee I oh.
The Harvard scholars then replied
Here, we told you so.

Our study recently has shown
That if you eat red meat you’re prone
To suffer more from heart disease
And be at risk of the big C.

Are farmyard friends really unsafe?
Oh I don’t think so.
Will Old MacDonald close the place?
Here’s what you should know.

That you can have bacon and such
Though maybe just not eat as much
And not have cow for every dish
But substitute for game and fish
That old farm sells chickens too
Ee I ee I oh.

Bird Watchers Go Potty Over New Attraction

There is a fair isle called Handa
Where bird watchers go to stand-a
A rise in those goin’
Means they need a new throne
At a cost of 50 grand-a. 

At such an exorbitant price
I imagine the loo to be nice.
But there’s no running water,
So what is the bowl for?
Would a hole in the ground not suffice?

It has to withstand blasts of wind,
The kind from outside and within
Though the answer’s not cheap
It must be built deep
Or the structure would soon topple in.

But with everyone’s eyes looking up
Can’t they just get behind a tree stump?
And go in the grass
With a leaf for their ass
And save us the cost of a dump?

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google. Children would rather get information from Google than their parents or teacher a new survey has revealed. Veterans of the Birds and the Bees welcome the news.

The Week in Pictures

Researchers are trying to uncover a lost Leonardo Da Vinci work after finding black pigment, also used in the Mona Lisa, behind Giorgio Vasari’s The Battle of Marciano in Italy.

Europension

 

As Britain and Russia both enter grandparents into the Eurovision Song Contest past winners lend a helping hand with lyric writing.

Gina G – Just a Little Bit

Ooh aah…think I broke my hip
Ooh aah… when I fell on the floor
Ooh aah… just a little slip
Won’t be walking anymore

ABBA - Waterloo

Need the loo – Bladder was weak and I had to go,
Need the loo – Worried my legs were moving too slow.
Need the loo – I was just desperate to get to you,
Need the loo – now it’s too late and I’ve followed through.

Lulu – Boom bang-a-bang

My heart goes
boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
Loud in my ear
Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
-STROKE-

Fishing for Trouble?

Salmon are known for swimming upstream
And fighting against the tide.
Our Scottish Salmond is just the same
But he’s taking the country along on his ride.

He’s desperate for Scotland to go it alone
And sever our ties with Westminster,
But, amid all the hurry, there’s a serious worry
We’d end up England’s woebegone spinster.

Unionists say we’d be fish out of water
As we now get more cash than we give.
But, separatists believe that the oil in our seas
Would provide us all money to live.

If we truly divorced from the union
I imagine the case would be fraught
Over nukes in the Clyde and who should preside
Over oil and which country gets what.

Not all Salmon make the arduous journey
And the vote will tell who’s going where.
We could swim to the top and splash out with a pop
Or end up in the teeth of a bear.

The Week in Pictures

 UK’s growth stripped by Brazilians … who become the world's sixth biggest economy.

The Week in Pictures

Stacey Solomon axed as Mum of the Year after endangering her unborn child in a coke fuelled underground fight club.**

**Actually she just had a cigarette but it's the natural next step.

The War on Terror Continues

We’ve kicked them out the office
It’s immoral in their cars
They’re not welcome in our restaurants
They’re forbidden at the bars.

They congregate in places
That we designate outside
But should big brother get its way
They’ll have nowhere left to hide.

So, let’s make them all wear badges
And push them in the dirt.
Let’s make it legal to throw stones at them
Whenever they spark up. 

Let’s put through the proposal
To raise costs by 2 per cent,
And laugh off their objections
At what they’ve already spent.

After all we’re trying to help them
To conquer their affliction
They could just choose not to buy them
It’s not like smoking’s an addiction.

A Wonderfuel Idea

The price of petrol’s on the rise
And we’re due another hike.
It’s time the public all got wise
And en-masse bought a bike.

You could get the latest model
With money left to spare.
Breaking down would be a doddle
With a quick puncture repair.

You’d always find a parking spot
And never get a ticket.
Traffic jams would be forgot
And the road rage that goes with it.

So when you’re at the petrol station
And the price is still as high,
Don’t fret about inflation
And cycle right on by.

The Week In Pictures

Meteorite sighting triggers public panic as police departments across Britian are inundated by reports of a ball of flames. Authorities in Glasgow notice no change.

The Week in Pictures

Barn owl population multiplies as food supply increases. Voles forced to take extreme measures.

The Week in Pictures

Apple wins dispute over who owns slide to unlock patent. Blacksmiths everywhere fear legal challenge.

Typosquatters Get the Boot

Two firms have been fined one hundred grand
For charges getting out of hand.
The money made through competitions
Was in breach of the law said the watchdog’s decision.

The companies plan on you making a typo
When looking for sites such as Facebock or Skypo.
The pages appear under their guise
Asking for details in exchange for a prize.

Once they’ve got your number the cash that they make
Is through charging for texts at a premium rate.
The lack of clear pricing regarding the cost
Has led to a refund of what customers lost. 

So, if Twutter’s not asking if you’re a member
And Wikipodia’s not quite how you remember,
There’s a good chance that you’re on to a swizz
Especially when told that ‘You’ve just WON our quiz!’

On this Day in ...

On this day in ‘84
Torvill and Dean took to the floor,
Winning gold with their Bolero
At the winter Olympics in Sarajevo.

Twenty-four million watched them compete
A rating that Dancing on Ice can’t repeat.

Five years later in ‘89
The Iranian leader waxed divine,
For alleged blasphemy against Islam
He issued a fatwa on Rushdie, Salman.

Not quite the three words you want people to say
Did the Ayatollah not know it was Valentine’s Day?

It's not right but it's OK

If I told you that on the day that Whitney died
The cost of her albums went up, would you be surprised?
All at once the fans complained, Twitter was inundated
Itunes refused to comment but the price was reinstated.

Is it really disrespectful to charge more now that she’s gone?
Would we still all buy the album if she’d lived to carry on?
Hotels charge more in summer as do restaurants at night
It’s a consequence of high demand whether wrong or right.

Were those who got so emotional at the inflated CD cost
Angry at the diva’s passing or at the three pound more they lost?

The Week in Pictures

Greeks in talks over accepting bailout offer from Eurozone

The Week in Pictures

Madonna performs half time show at Superbowl

A Beginner's Guide to Phone Hacking

It’s easy work to hack a phone,
With a friend or own your own.
It makes for an exciting story
With no source to take the glory.

The question that you might be asked
Is whereabouts you got your facts?
But it’s a problem quickly remedied
Start your story ‘an insider said to me’.

Thought lately I have heard it said
That those who make their daily bread
Making public private speeches
Are guilty of privacy breaches.

It’s rich to hear it called a sin
From those already cashing in
On making their lives known to all
Who get annoyed at one tapped call?

Now I hear the Leveson enquiry
Say it’s wrong to hack a phone or diary.
When did it become a crime
To publish what was never mine?

It’s easy work to hack a phone
Though maybe you should leave alone,
At least for now while there’s demand
To place the guilty in remand.
It might be simple hacking phones
But is it really worth the moan?

A Glossary of Media Terminology #3

Free press: noun;
1. A body of publishers not regulated by government or morals
2. Publications distributed for free and characterised by high levels of advertising

 

A Glossary of Media Terminology #2

Insider: \ in-sid-er\ noun;
1. From the Latin thensedher meaning fictitious, made up.
2. A euphemism for certain professions or distant relations such as cleaner or cousin’s boyfriend, e.g, ‘An insider revealed the actress is battling depression after public break up’.
3. See also source, close friend.

Russia Gives Europe the Cold Shoulder

Europe is in a great big freeze
Poland has been brought to its knees
The Ukraine is much of the same
As are the Slovaks,
The Croats and Greeks.

Russia decreased its gas supply
To neighbours who really need to buy.
For hours, they had no power
Officials at hand
Blamed demand too high.

England has had a little snow
It’s common but you’d never know.
Flurries have caused grave worries
Affecting train lines
And plane times and roads.

North winds have brought the cold air here
High pressure stops warm air getting near
Will it be longer ‘til it gets warmer?
Not ‘til we forego
East air flows, at least.

Jubilees are Forever

Prime ministers aren’t forever,
It doesn’t take too much to sack them,
Only for the party not to back them.
They may resign in the night,
I’ve a fear that they might, desert me.
But monarchs are forever,
This year’s her diamond celebration.
As the master of games
She’ll lead a fleet down the Thames,
And cross the UK.

It’s not from love
That I’m making a big fuss,
They’ve gave a bank holiday to us
And I’m happy to doff
To get a day off, from working.

Monarchs are forever,
She’s outlasted Churchill and Blair
For sixty years she’s hung in there.
MPs are mere subjects who
Are not worth going to, the polls for.

I don’t need Cameron,
And what good will Clegg do me?
Lizzy never lies to me,
When the Tories are gone
She’ll last on.

The Week in Pictures

London Olympics threatens to push transport capacity over its limit

The Week in Pictures

Dicovered copy of Mona Lisa sheds light on Da Vinci

The Week in Pictures

Europe's cold snap reaches Turkey

The face that sank a thousand jobs

Was this the face that sank a thousand jobs
And forced the populace to invest?
To brace the loss they paid a lavish sum
His knighthood taken as redress.

I speak of Goodwin of RBS
Who led the seize upon the Dutch,
And bought a bank for a sumptuous price
Which cost the country twice as much.

Once the Trojan horse had been welcomed in
It wasn’t long until the walls were breached,
And ruin brought by a swift recession
Not since the second world war was reached.

Was it enough his honour stripped
When still he reclines in pomp and splendour?
Is there to be no just recourse
For the folly of a financial lender?

A Glossary of Media Terminology #1

‘Double dip recession’ – an economic slump characterised by families using bathwater twice to save on heating bills

Edinburgh Zoo acquires cash cow. Or should that be panda?

Long ago in evolution,
The panda chose a strange solution;
To only eat shoots of bamboo
And relocate to where it grew.

So after 5 years’ negotiation
It seemed to most a great occasion
When China made a gift of two
And sent them off to Edinburgh Zoo.

They came by plane to bond our nations,
To aid research and education,
To help the panda’s conservation,
But, what about the rich donations?

From visitors who flocked to view
The half a million revenue
We pay each year to keep the bears.
A princely sum for just a pair.

Any hints of a commercial deal
Lie buried under public zeal,
And motives not quite black and white
Are wrapped up in the fiscal plight

Of the zoo which felt reduced exposure,
Which closed the exotic bird enclosure,
And started charging guests a fee
For a parking space that once was free.

So now the park has got a lift
From China’s diplomatic gift
And think of the financial boost
Having bear cubs might induce.

Yet it might prove a risk to count
Bamboo shoots before they sprout.
Not only difficult to feed,
Notoriously hard to breed,
And it only took a month until
The furry pair had fallen ill
With colic as the diagnosis,
But homesickness a clear prognosis.

Now they're both back on display
After all, who else would earn their pay?















Pandas fight for the window seat on flight to Edinburgh

What I'm About

I like to know what’s happening in the world. I like to give people the impression I’m informed and stick my oar into whatever topics people are discussing. However, to do this I need to keep up with the news. Problem is, it changes everyday. Who’s got the time?

I’ve searched all over the internet and even spent a year studying journalism without ever finding the answer to my problem. Now, finally, I’ve taken it upon myself to right the wrongs of the media today.

So here is the news in a nutshell with all you need to keep your friends thinking you’re an aficionado of current events. No percentages, no graphs, just the facts, and a little bit of humour.