Europension

 

As Britain and Russia both enter grandparents into the Eurovision Song Contest past winners lend a helping hand with lyric writing.

Gina G – Just a Little Bit

Ooh aah…think I broke my hip
Ooh aah… when I fell on the floor
Ooh aah… just a little slip
Won’t be walking anymore

ABBA - Waterloo

Need the loo – Bladder was weak and I had to go,
Need the loo – Worried my legs were moving too slow.
Need the loo – I was just desperate to get to you,
Need the loo – now it’s too late and I’ve followed through.

Lulu – Boom bang-a-bang

My heart goes
boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
Loud in my ear
Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
-STROKE-

Fishing for Trouble?

Salmon are known for swimming upstream
And fighting against the tide.
Our Scottish Salmond is just the same
But he’s taking the country along on his ride.

He’s desperate for Scotland to go it alone
And sever our ties with Westminster,
But, amid all the hurry, there’s a serious worry
We’d end up England’s woebegone spinster.

Unionists say we’d be fish out of water
As we now get more cash than we give.
But, separatists believe that the oil in our seas
Would provide us all money to live.

If we truly divorced from the union
I imagine the case would be fraught
Over nukes in the Clyde and who should preside
Over oil and which country gets what.

Not all Salmon make the arduous journey
And the vote will tell who’s going where.
We could swim to the top and splash out with a pop
Or end up in the teeth of a bear.

The Week in Pictures

 UK’s growth stripped by Brazilians … who become the world's sixth biggest economy.

The Week in Pictures

Stacey Solomon axed as Mum of the Year after endangering her unborn child in a coke fuelled underground fight club.**

**Actually she just had a cigarette but it's the natural next step.

The War on Terror Continues

We’ve kicked them out the office
It’s immoral in their cars
They’re not welcome in our restaurants
They’re forbidden at the bars.

They congregate in places
That we designate outside
But should big brother get its way
They’ll have nowhere left to hide.

So, let’s make them all wear badges
And push them in the dirt.
Let’s make it legal to throw stones at them
Whenever they spark up. 

Let’s put through the proposal
To raise costs by 2 per cent,
And laugh off their objections
At what they’ve already spent.

After all we’re trying to help them
To conquer their affliction
They could just choose not to buy them
It’s not like smoking’s an addiction.

A Wonderfuel Idea

The price of petrol’s on the rise
And we’re due another hike.
It’s time the public all got wise
And en-masse bought a bike.

You could get the latest model
With money left to spare.
Breaking down would be a doddle
With a quick puncture repair.

You’d always find a parking spot
And never get a ticket.
Traffic jams would be forgot
And the road rage that goes with it.

So when you’re at the petrol station
And the price is still as high,
Don’t fret about inflation
And cycle right on by.

The Week In Pictures

Meteorite sighting triggers public panic as police departments across Britian are inundated by reports of a ball of flames. Authorities in Glasgow notice no change.