EasyCon

Easyjet are to trial allocated seating for a nominal fee:

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
If you want front row, then we’ll have it so
But there's a supplement to pay.
Come on fly with me, we'll float down in the blue.

Fly with me, let’s zip down to the shore
And if the plane’s to crash, you’ll be glad you asked
For a seat by the exit door
Come on fly with me, you’ll be glad that you paid more.

And once you get seated where there’s leg room to spare
We’ll compare, how others fare
Those who don’t pay mightn’t be next each other or near
You might even fear, a gang will appear because we’re seated together

Travel-wise it’s such a sad, sad day.
Just say the words, extra cost incurred, and they’re laughing all the way
It’s not a ploy to make an extra buck they say
Come on and fly with me, let’s fly, let’s fly away

Roman Horde Found in Bath

Archaeologists working on a site in Bath have stumbled across 30, 000 Roman coins believed to be the 5th largest hoard ever found. Discovered 150 metres away from the historic Roman Baths, experts can only assume that the money is from coin operated lockers.

A Cure For Baldness? Don't make us laugh.

Scientists have discovered a protein which triggers hair loss which they hope will be key in finding ways to treat baldness. Phil and Grant remain sceptical.

Cut, Colour and Cancer

Hairdressers should be trained to spot cancer
Is the latest from experts in health.
They can look for signs while they’re cutting
And check skin that we can’t see ourselves.

By detecting melanomas early
There’s a much greater rate of prevention
But would it do more harm than good
Although made with the best of intentions? 

Every freckle and mole from the neck up
Would become the source of a scare
And if they’re scouring your scalp for symptoms
How much effort’s going in to your hair?

Would stylists want the responsibility
Of making judgements without all the facts?
For a poor haircut you might be forgiven
But misdiagnose them and they won’t come back.

Is it Time to Make Toy Story 4?

Disney says it expects to lose $200 million dollars as it's latest film, John Carter, bombs at the box office. No, wonder; it didn't have any songs. Just saying.

The Parent Song

I don’t have time to pack their lunch
But why do schools let children munch
On bags of chips covered in salt?
Blame the school teacher, it’s not my fault.

I can’t stop the choices my child makes
It’s up to them if they want cakes.
We’re a fast food culture is what they learn.
Blame the government, it’s not my concern.

I buy them it to keep them quiet
But burgers aren’t part of a healthy diet.
They just want it because it’s on TV.
Blame the broadcaster, but don’t blame me.

I support the move for them to halt
Adverts for food high in fat and salt
And show them only after nine.
To coincide with kids’ bedtime.

With that in place I have no doubt
My children will cut all junk out
So long as I can get over the stumbling block
Of getting them to sleep before nine o’clock.

Ocean's 14

George Clooney may have to get the old gang back together after being arrested during a protest outside Sudan's embassy in Washington DC. The actor, who was trying to raise awareness over Sudan's huminatarian crisis has since been released. Or did he escape?

Y-fronts, Y not?

Men in Scotland prefer to wear Y-fronts a new survey has revealed. It has also shown Londoners to opt for trunks while men from the Midlands purchase the most thongs. Ooh err!

Now we can put this statistical information to good use and... and... and? Well, maybe it doesn't have a good use but we can at least make fun of the Midlands. 

The Only Way Is Essex... or Perthshire, or Wales

To mark the Diamond Jubilee
Three towns have all been made cities
Twenty five towns entered in
But only three were picked to win.

St Asaph, sat in Northern Wales
Hitched their claim to God’s coat tails
And with the Cathedral as their basis
Lo and behold, they won the status.

Chelmsford, Essex’s new found city
Maybe just won out of pity
And to settle football fights in pubs
As to why their team’s called City Club.
 
Lastly, Perth was given back
A title that they’d always had
Until Scotland reorganised the nation
And stripped it of its appellation.

Old MacDonald out of a Job?

Old MacDonald had a farm,
Ee I ee I oh.
But then we found red meat caused harm,
O m g oh no.

And on that farm were cows and pigs
That now we know have cancer links
And a higher degree
Of heart disease.

Old MacDonald asked them why,
Ee I ee I oh.
The Harvard scholars then replied
Here, we told you so.

Our study recently has shown
That if you eat red meat you’re prone
To suffer more from heart disease
And be at risk of the big C.

Are farmyard friends really unsafe?
Oh I don’t think so.
Will Old MacDonald close the place?
Here’s what you should know.

That you can have bacon and such
Though maybe just not eat as much
And not have cow for every dish
But substitute for game and fish
That old farm sells chickens too
Ee I ee I oh.

Bird Watchers Go Potty Over New Attraction

There is a fair isle called Handa
Where bird watchers go to stand-a
A rise in those goin’
Means they need a new throne
At a cost of 50 grand-a. 

At such an exorbitant price
I imagine the loo to be nice.
But there’s no running water,
So what is the bowl for?
Would a hole in the ground not suffice?

It has to withstand blasts of wind,
The kind from outside and within
Though the answer’s not cheap
It must be built deep
Or the structure would soon topple in.

But with everyone’s eyes looking up
Can’t they just get behind a tree stump?
And go in the grass
With a leaf for their ass
And save us the cost of a dump?

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google

Mum... I mean, Miss... I mean, Google. Children would rather get information from Google than their parents or teacher a new survey has revealed. Veterans of the Birds and the Bees welcome the news.

The Week in Pictures

Researchers are trying to uncover a lost Leonardo Da Vinci work after finding black pigment, also used in the Mona Lisa, behind Giorgio Vasari’s The Battle of Marciano in Italy.

Europension

 

As Britain and Russia both enter grandparents into the Eurovision Song Contest past winners lend a helping hand with lyric writing.

Gina G – Just a Little Bit

Ooh aah…think I broke my hip
Ooh aah… when I fell on the floor
Ooh aah… just a little slip
Won’t be walking anymore

ABBA - Waterloo

Need the loo – Bladder was weak and I had to go,
Need the loo – Worried my legs were moving too slow.
Need the loo – I was just desperate to get to you,
Need the loo – now it’s too late and I’ve followed through.

Lulu – Boom bang-a-bang

My heart goes
boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
Loud in my ear
Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
-STROKE-

Fishing for Trouble?

Salmon are known for swimming upstream
And fighting against the tide.
Our Scottish Salmond is just the same
But he’s taking the country along on his ride.

He’s desperate for Scotland to go it alone
And sever our ties with Westminster,
But, amid all the hurry, there’s a serious worry
We’d end up England’s woebegone spinster.

Unionists say we’d be fish out of water
As we now get more cash than we give.
But, separatists believe that the oil in our seas
Would provide us all money to live.

If we truly divorced from the union
I imagine the case would be fraught
Over nukes in the Clyde and who should preside
Over oil and which country gets what.

Not all Salmon make the arduous journey
And the vote will tell who’s going where.
We could swim to the top and splash out with a pop
Or end up in the teeth of a bear.

The Week in Pictures

 UK’s growth stripped by Brazilians … who become the world's sixth biggest economy.

The Week in Pictures

Stacey Solomon axed as Mum of the Year after endangering her unborn child in a coke fuelled underground fight club.**

**Actually she just had a cigarette but it's the natural next step.

The War on Terror Continues

We’ve kicked them out the office
It’s immoral in their cars
They’re not welcome in our restaurants
They’re forbidden at the bars.

They congregate in places
That we designate outside
But should big brother get its way
They’ll have nowhere left to hide.

So, let’s make them all wear badges
And push them in the dirt.
Let’s make it legal to throw stones at them
Whenever they spark up. 

Let’s put through the proposal
To raise costs by 2 per cent,
And laugh off their objections
At what they’ve already spent.

After all we’re trying to help them
To conquer their affliction
They could just choose not to buy them
It’s not like smoking’s an addiction.

A Wonderfuel Idea

The price of petrol’s on the rise
And we’re due another hike.
It’s time the public all got wise
And en-masse bought a bike.

You could get the latest model
With money left to spare.
Breaking down would be a doddle
With a quick puncture repair.

You’d always find a parking spot
And never get a ticket.
Traffic jams would be forgot
And the road rage that goes with it.

So when you’re at the petrol station
And the price is still as high,
Don’t fret about inflation
And cycle right on by.

The Week In Pictures

Meteorite sighting triggers public panic as police departments across Britian are inundated by reports of a ball of flames. Authorities in Glasgow notice no change.